Open Book

A friend and colleague of mine shared her story of her two miscarriages on Facebook today. Not for self-pity, not for attention but to share her grief and story to maybe help someone else going through the same thing.

& that same person helped me when I needed it the most.

As many of you know, March is a beautiful but hard month for me.

In March of 2016 I lost my first baby very early on in my pregnancy and I had a doctor who was not empathetic towards my loss.

Then in March 2017 I was diagnosed with endometriosis, had surgery and started my infertility journey.

& in March 2018 came the beautiful part.

On March 30th at 00:00 and 01:35 I welcomed my beautiful twins.

Just over 2 years from my loss, I was blessed with two beautiful babies who will now be 3 this month.

& then I was blessed again in 2019 with my last baby.

Both journeys were hard.

Both journeys had ups, downs and a lot of in between.

But it was so worth it.

So I must thank those who opened up to me.

Without you, without your stories, I may not be a mother of three.

I may have given up.

& I may have never opened up about my journey.

So THANK YOU to you all.

Whether it be opening up about your story or just reading mine. ❤️

#infertility #miscarriage #mystory

PTSD

I still get PTSD from my sons birth every so often.

& tonight it was getting in the bathtub.

I haven’t taken very many baths since his birth.

& I think it’s because it was one of the things I did to try to get him to move when he was in utero.

If you don’t know his birth story, I recommend going back and reading about the worst day of my life.

(Not because my son was born, but because of how traumatic it was for me and my family)

But back to the bath.

On Saturday of last year, I started to notice decreased fetal movement.

I could tell he wasn’t moving as much as normal and it took me a lot to get him to kick me.

So I tried all the tricks and the biggest one I tried was getting into the bathtub.

He ALWAYS moved like crazy when I was in the bath.

It was one of my favorite parts about being pregnant.

Watching the water move as my belly moved. Watching an arm or leg stick out. Or even just seeing myself pregnant for the last time.

It was all magical.

Until I hardly saw any movement as I laid there in the bath.

It ruined it.

& I may never see baths as “relaxing” or as “me time” ever again.

But tonight I got in and turned on Harry Potter and tried to enjoy it as much as possible.

But as much as our bath has changed over the last year (more bath toys, more grippy stickers), it still brought back way too many emotions from that weekend.

I WISH, gosh I WISH that I could take away the memories.

I wish someone would have caught his heart condition earlier.

I wish I watched my blood sugars more.

I wish we would have had him a few days prior when he was actively moving in utero.

But I also can’t look back at the “wishes” or the “what if’s”.

My son is here.

He is beautiful. He is happy.

& he makes our family whole.

Yes, he has a heart condition. Yes, his birth was traumatic.

BUT not a day goes by that I don’t regret having him or going through it all.

It’s just going to take me awhile and that’s okay.

#birthstory #traumatic #ptsd

1st Birthday

Today was my sons 1st birthday.

It was an amazing day celebrating him but also a hard day remembering a year ago.

My son was born 4 weeks early via urgent c-section due to decreased fetal movement. He was born with an Apgar score of a 1. We did not get to hold him or see him for more than a second before he was taken away.

Once intubated and an umbilical line placed, he was stable but not without a fight.

The next 7 days were hard. We didn’t get to hold him. We didn’t get to feed him. He laid there, fighting for his life.

& there was no guarantee that he would survive.

But he did and we are forever thankful.

Now a year later, he is still fighting.

He is happy, healthy but he has a bad heart. He takes medication 3 times a day & gives his mama a heart attack at least once a day.

Our lives will never be worry free but every year, every day, it gets a little easier.

Because we hope that one day, it will all just be a memory.

Happy 1st Birthday baby boy. Mom & Dad love you.

NEVER stop fighting 💙