As I lay here watching my youngest son blow bubbles and grab his feet, I go back to the day or the days that I almost lost him.

From day 0 to day 14, we didn’t know if our son would survive.

It was the scariest 2 weeks of my life and it still haunts me to this day.

Yes, he is here. Yes, he is almost entirely healthy (besides his heart). & yes, he is happy (obviously – he’s blowing bubbles).

But I have PTSD.

Some days it makes me cry thinking about how I almost lost him. Some days it makes me think of all the possible ways that I could still lose him or his siblings. & it’s scares me.

It takes me back to the NICU.

The place that I will NEVER go back.

The reason we are NEVER having more kids.

Where all 3 of my babies fought.

& where my nightmare began.

I am so thankful that all 3 of my babies are here with me. I am so thankful that they each have each other to grow up with. I am so thankful my sons have a sister and that my daughter has two brothers.

Because I don’t know what I would have done if I would have lost any one of them.

& that thought alone breaks me.

I know we got lucky. I know god was watching over for us.

But that doesn’t take away the pain or the heartache. Or the memories.

I hope no one I love goes through the hell we went through.

Because I don’t think I’ll ever be the same because of it.

#nicu #nicubabies #chd #ptsd