Almost 6 weeks after giving birth and I continue to hear how lucky we are that Finley is doing so well and that he survived.

& to tell you the truth, it stings.

Not because I’m not happy with how he is doing and obviously not because he survived but because I don’t think I fully grasped how sick he was.

Yes, I knew he was sick. I was there when he was born and I was there every day in the NICU. But I don’t think I fully grasped that my son was essentially fighting for his life and I still don’t think I fully grasp how bad it was. & that makes me feel like an awful mom.

I’m not sure why I didn’t and can’t grasp how sick he was. Maybe it was/is faith? Maybe it was/is denial?

But his first week of life was a yo-yo, I do know that. One day we would get good news and the next day we would get bad. One day we were told one thing and the next day we were told something different.

& my husband and I continued to be there for Finley through it all. So maybe it was/is just strength? Maybe Finley needed us strong so that he could fight? I guess I will never know but I do know that every reminder stings.

Now it isn’t a bad thing to remind us. We appreciate people caring and worrying about our son. But the reminder of something I didn’t and can’t grasp hurts.

It makes me think back to his birth experience and his NICU stay, which to be truthful I would love to forget. But it also makes me have regrets because I did not realize just how sick he was.

If I could go back in time, I would make my husband be there that first week. I would have brought Holden and Riley in to meet Finley. I would have held him more. I would have let more people come and see him. I would have asked Father to baptize him. & I would have been there every second of every day.

But the reality is, I can’t go back in time and change how I handled it. I still can’t fully grasp it so how could I go back in time and change it?

Maybe it’s a blessing that I don’t, because every time I think about it, I cry.

Being a NICU mom is hard. Being a mom to a child that was that sick is hard. & being a mom that didn’t/doesn’t realize the blessings she received is hard.

But I know that I am thankful for the outcome we received. I am thankful my son has gotten a month and a half of breast milk (and more to come) because I took time to pump. I am thankful that I am healed and healthy because I took time for myself. & I am thankful that I had blinders/strength/faith or whatever it was for that first week.

Because in reality, I don’t think I could have handled it any differently.

#nicumom #nicubaby