I still get PTSD from my sons birth every so often.

& tonight it was getting in the bathtub.

I haven’t taken very many baths since his birth.

& I think it’s because it was one of the things I did to try to get him to move when he was in utero.

If you don’t know his birth story, I recommend going back and reading about the worst day of my life.

(Not because my son was born, but because of how traumatic it was for me and my family)

But back to the bath.

On Saturday of last year, I started to notice decreased fetal movement.

I could tell he wasn’t moving as much as normal and it took me a lot to get him to kick me.

So I tried all the tricks and the biggest one I tried was getting into the bathtub.

He ALWAYS moved like crazy when I was in the bath.

It was one of my favorite parts about being pregnant.

Watching the water move as my belly moved. Watching an arm or leg stick out. Or even just seeing myself pregnant for the last time.

It was all magical.

Until I hardly saw any movement as I laid there in the bath.

It ruined it.

& I may never see baths as “relaxing” or as “me time” ever again.

But tonight I got in and turned on Harry Potter and tried to enjoy it as much as possible.

But as much as our bath has changed over the last year (more bath toys, more grippy stickers), it still brought back way too many emotions from that weekend.

I WISH, gosh I WISH that I could take away the memories.

I wish someone would have caught his heart condition earlier.

I wish I watched my blood sugars more.

I wish we would have had him a few days prior when he was actively moving in utero.

But I also can’t look back at the “wishes” or the “what if’s”.

My son is here.

He is beautiful. He is happy.

& he makes our family whole.

Yes, he has a heart condition. Yes, his birth was traumatic.

BUT not a day goes by that I don’t regret having him or going through it all.

It’s just going to take me awhile and that’s okay.

#birthstory #traumatic #ptsd