Never Again

Tonight I found my pregnancy test from Finley and I cried. Not because I want more children but because it no longer says “pregnant”.

Every so often I would look at it while I was pregnant and smile. & then one day it was gone.

& tonight when I saw it, it hit me.

I will never get the experience of seeing it say pregnant again.

I will never get to feel my child kick me from inside again.

I will never get to be excited to find out if it’s a girl or boy again.

I will never get to wait in anticipation for them to make their appearance again.

& the worst thing, I will never experience a normal pregnancy ever.

Both of my pregnancies were tough.

The first being a first time pregnancy and being pregnant with twins. The second being pregnant and having polyhydramnios. & so many other complications in between..

& then both ended with premature babies and complications.

I never got to carry my children to full term.

I never got to have a normal birth experience.

& I never got to enjoy my pregnancies to the fullest.

That’s what I cried about tonight.

Not because I can’t have more children (3 is definitely plenty) but because I will never experience what so many other woman get to.

& every pregnancy, every birth announcement reminds me.

& tonight, that reminder was my old pregnancy test that no longer says pregnant.